i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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