I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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