I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
