if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
