so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
