Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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