take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
