I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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