Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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