God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
