haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
