I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
