i already hear my dad disowning me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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