Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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