Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
