I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
