mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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