it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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