You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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