i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
