i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
