My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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