Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
