This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
