I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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