it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
