so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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