Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
