I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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