I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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