is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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