I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
