Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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