I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
