my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
