so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
