saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
