rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
