the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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