I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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