Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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