god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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