I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
