margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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