Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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