The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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