You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Terrible idea I love it
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
