My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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