Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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