I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
